You Are My Perfection
by Moonlight Enchantments
Summary: Sequal to Perfect and Not So Perfect, do you see the theme? Ray's back from Darfur, and in the midst of his flashbacks and drunken escapades will he remember there is someone waiting for him? Inspired by the song Brown Eyes
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Dun dun dun, this is the first chapter of my last fanfiction (when it comes to ER at least, my actual last one will probably be a Beauty and the Beast one, on bequest of my good friend) The beginning of the end, so to speak. This is a sequel, and I would recommend you read the first one "Perfect" as well as the one-shot "Not So Perfect" to get the full over view of the back story.**

**However, a quick recap for everyone: Ray's cousin came to Chicago and through a chain of interesting events (lol, well, they might be -you'll have to read Perfect to find out) he managed to persuade Neela to confess her love to Ray. Unfortunately, our Ray, heartbroken as always, had already accepted a job and was moving away from Chicago. The night before he left Neela came to confess, but he left anyway. She said she would wait for him to come back. Then, in Not So Perfect, we hear that Ray wasn't happy in his new position, he wasn't able to "find himself" so, after exchanging letters with our Carter (you know they're both ours lol) he decided to go to Darfur, in the hope of putting things (well, his feelings with Neela) into perspective.**

**This story is set after he has been in Darfur, though there will be a lot of flashbacks -I hope it doesn't get confusing! It was inspired by the song "Brown Eyes" by Christy Moore (I think Shane MacGowan actually wrote it but I know the Christy Moore version). It's a great song, and if you listen to it, or read the words, you'll see where I get my inspiration. I think. **

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy. Oh, I think it's going to be pretty short, 5 chapters ish?**

**P.S Normal font Present, _Italics Flashbacks (to Darfur), _Centred text Flashbacks/quotes from Perfect**

Chapter One

It was almost two years to the day since I had left Chicago and I was back. Back in the cold, the snow, the city. Everything was so different to what I'd recently become used to. There was no scorching sun here, no desert sands, I wasn't standing in the middle of a war-zone. I was in fact standing in the middle of a bar, a beer in each hand. I hadn't had beer for a while, and by my staggering steps I was pretty sure it was taking it's effects with me a little sooner than I'd once been used to.

I sat down at the table, sloshing beer everywhere. "Cheers," I slurred.

Brett, who was sitting opposite me, grinned. "Cheers, welcome home!" We clinked our glasses together then preceded to take elegant sips. Alright, it was more like my face was on fire and I was trying to put it out with beer. Wow, I thought, I am drunk, that was the weirdest description ever.

"So, my dear, how is sunny Chicago?"

Brett laughed, pointing at two men who had just entered, and were dusting snow off of their shoulders. "Whad-ya think?" He paused then looked at me thoughtfully, "Are you back here for good? Or are you going away again?"

"Why are you so bothered?"

"Because, some friends of mine would like to know."

I frowned, "What friends? You don't have any friends."

"Actually, when you left I gathered some of your left overs. One Doctor Lockhart, although she's busy with her kiddly, and oh yes, one Doctor Neela."

I froze. "Neela? Is your friend?"

"Indeed. She comes to our gigs sometimes."

"Does she know I'm back?"

"No, but if she did she'd want to know how long for."

I frowned again, at this rate I was going to get wrinkles. I had spent a year and a half in Darfur, and still just the mention of Neela's name could make me... well, I was feeling pretty sober. However, I didn't think my time in Africa had been a waste. On the contrary, it was probably exactly what I had needed, and I know I had helped people.

Did I come home too early? I thought briefly, before shaking my head. No, I was ready to come home. I was ready to sort everything here out. I had run away from my past, and now I was ready to face it again. Well, I would be after a few drinks.

"_Dr Barnett, it's great to see you." Carter pulled me into a hug._

"_It's great to see you as well. Shit, it's hot here isn't it," I said, grinning._

"_You could say that. It's a little of an understatement, but you could say that. Come on, I'll show you around."_

_I'd been picked up from the airport by Debbie, she seemed nice enough. We hadn't talked much, there had been no need, I was just staring at my surroundings. It was different -though that again was an understatement._

_I was soon settled in, as much as I would ever be. I knew my way around the hospital tent in a few days, mostly out of pure necessity. There wasn't really any chances to get accustomed, things weren't that organised. When people came in here, they were dying and there wasn't a lot we could do to save them. The only thing that would save them was luck, our expertise didn't really come into it. It's one thing knowing how to work a crash cart that would save someone, but it's pretty useless when you don't have the electricity to work said crash cart. _

_I remember one time, it was a week after I'd first arrived. I was sitting on my bed looking at a piece of paper, I'd intended on writing to Neela, but so far I hadn't written even a word. Carter came in and sat next to me._

"_Who are you writing to?"_

_I showed him the paper, "Someone who can read non-existent letters apparently."_

"_I know it's hard out here, it's hard to describe to those back home. The ER is hectic but this is just... unimaginable to most people."_

"_I... that's not what I'm finding hard."_

"_Oh?"_

_I sighed, there was something about this man that made you want to talk to him. Oddly, Luka had the same ability. They both commanded that respect that made you think "wow, these guys know what they're talking about."_

"_I left Chicago, before I came here. I got another job and was all set to start another life."_

"_You didn't mention that... how come you left?"_

"_Because I thought I'd lost myself. But things didn't work out, I couldn't just start afresh. I'd run away from everything, and that hadn't fixed it."_

"_So why are you here? Why aren't you back there, sorting everything out?"_

"_The truth? I'm scared."_

"_What the hell is scarier than this, Ray? There's death just around the corner every day..."_

"_What's scarier than death? Living with your mistakes, living with heart brake."_

_Carter raised his eyebrows, "I don't think I like where this conversation is going. Ray, you're a great doctor, and a great guy. Whatever mistakes you may have made I'm sure you can fix them. Maybe you should go back to America."_

"_No, I know how much I'm needed here. Don't worry I'm not going to do anything stupid... I don't want to die, I know I've got things to sort out. I've got things I want to sort out. But I... I don't even know what I'm talking about."_

"_The amount of times I've felt how you've felt. I know you'll do great things here, it's almost impossible not to -every little move seems great here. But I want you to talk to me if you ever... need to. Alright?"_

"_Sure, and vice versa."_

_He laughed, "It's good having you here Ray. I hope you get everything in your head sorted out. And if you find out how to do it, do let me know."_

_He got up and walked out of the room. I lay on the bed, tapping my finger on my leg in a rhythm of an old Clash song. There were things I needed to get sorted in my head, but I had a lot of time to do it. Here my priorities should be being a good doctor. That was what was important. My life in Chicago, and thoughts about it, should be contained to evenings. And dreams._

_I dreamt of her, of course. I had done so many nights before I'd left. But now I knew how she felt, they were worse. I knew she'd never forgive me if she found out I was here. She had been destroyed when Michael had gone back to Iraq, and what was I doing different? So, I was working in a refugee camp, I was still putting myself in danger every day. I'd known she was angry at Michael because she was so worried. Now I knew how she felt, I couldn't help hoping that she would be angry with me too. _

"When you come back I want to see those eyes shining again."

"I might not be back."

She had shrugged. "I think there will be."

"What if there is no happy ending with us?"

I had played that morning over and over again in my head, through many nights in Darfur. The rain beating down on us. I could see how it might have gone, ending in a kiss with the credits rolling up soon. But it hadn't ended like that, it had ended with me walking away.

I hadn't thought I would return, even though she had said she'd be waiting. I'd thought I'd stay away for good. I'd thought that that would be the best thing. But in Darfur I'd made a decision. I was going to go back, I was going to go back to her.

And here I was.

**A/N I hope you like! Reviews are always welcome!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N I'm so glad you lot like this! I hope you like this chapter as well, it's dedicated to MoonlitClarity, happy birthday hun! **

**p.s the whole "crying under the St George's flag" is stolen from my friend Yasmin, she does that, poor thing!**

Chapter Two

"_How did you do that?" A little boy asked me in halting English, astounded. _

_I shrugged, "I like soccer." I grinned and added, "You have to get the ball."_

_Truth be told I knew the tackle from Neela, who had a surprising affinity with soccer, or football, whenever the World Cup or the European Cup came around. I had once spent a whole night consoling her after England had been eliminated, as she lay in bed crying, her head under the St George's flag. _

_Weird how you can be in the middle of a war-torn country, trying to distract a little boy as his mother is giving birth no more than two tents away, and still all your thoughts seem to return to one person._

_Is that a sign? Am I being completely and utterly stupid here? I'm seeing people dying, families being split apart, and I'm wasting my time. I mean, I'm not wasting it completely, this is a valiant cause. But I'm wasting what time I could have with Neela. It does seem stupid. _

_But as the little boy runs back with his make shift ball I know I couldn't go back yet, not yet._

Brett smiles at me, "Are you thinking about someone pretty?"

"No, I'm thinking about Africa."

"Oh... How was it?"

I laughed, "Brett, I've been working in a refugee camp for eighteen months and you ask me "how was it?" It wasn't an experience you can sum up that easily."

"Oh," he said again. "Wow Barnett, when did we grow so different? I swear we used to be the same, and now you're some hot shot doctor, out saving the world. And I'm still going round bars, trying to pull. What happened?"

I laughed again, "Brett my friend, Neela happened. That's what. I found someone I loved, and it made me grow up."

"If you love her, why did you leave?"

"I'm still not sure about that."

_I wish I could see her, see what she's doing right now. While I'm here, walking miles under the burning sun, what is she doing? Is she in the ER, is she in surgery? _

_She is so beautiful, and I know my memories must have faded. She astounds me. Because it's not just her beauty that I love, it's her. Everything about her. Her eyes... what they say to me, what they used to say to me. A smile here or there, one she hadn't meant me to see -because she was meant to be mad. I wondered if that would be how she would react when I went back._

_I wondered if I'd be able to win her back. I wondered if she had waited for me. If she was still waiting for me._

"I left for her," I said suddenly. Brett looked up, eyebrows raised.

"Huh?"

"I left for her, I left so I would come back a better person. Someone worthy of her."

"Uh... Ray... are you feeling alright?"

"I'm feeling fine, I've just realised..." I stood up, almost knocking the table over. "I have to find her!"

"_Get down, get down!" The Jeep drove faster, bumping along, bullets whizzed past us, a window smashed. Carter kept his eyes focused on the road, his foot pressed to the floor._

_I ducked down, my eyes wide. I couldn't believe I was here, being shot at. I'd never been shot at. The shots stopped, but he kept driving. Eventually I looked up, "They're gone."_

"_Do you think I'm stopping this car?"_

"_Uh... no."_

"_Good."_

_It wasn't until we got to the camp he told me he'd been shot. He got out of the Jeep, and said "Oh Ray, could you get me some gauze or something please?" Then he slumped to the floor._

"_Shit! Carter!" I hooked my arms under his and dragged him to the hospital tent. "Carter's been shot!" I called out._

"_John? Somebody get over here," Debbie said, helping me get him onto a bed. "It looks like a bullet nicked his arm, did he got shot anywhere else?"_

"_I don't know, he just kept driving, I didn't even know until we got here!"_

_They shooed me out, telling me to go get some water. When I got back, I'd decided to get a few barrels to make myself useful, when I got back he was awake. He looked ashen, but he was awake._

"_You scared me, Carter."_

_He gave me a wan smile, "Sorry. I overreacted, it's too hot here that's all."_

"_Sure, nothing to do with the bullets getting shot at us."_

"_Are you alright?"_

_I nodded "Sure, I'm thick skinned." _

"_Ray, did you bring these?" Debbie came in, passing the barrels of water. _

"_I thought they might come in useful."_

_She smiled, "People usually tend to get one at a time, but that's alright. Thanks."_

"Ray, calm down man. You can see her tomorrow, it's like..." Brett looked at his watch but seemed unable to focus, "It's late anyway."

"I knew I should have gone straight to hers... Shit, do you know where she lives?"

"I'm not telling you now. You'll thank me for this in the morning, she'll kill you if you turn up in this state."

"No," I said, swaying slightly, "Neela loves me, she wouldn't kill me."

"Barnett, this is Neela. She would have no problem killing you if you turn up on her doorstep drunk."

"Brett," I said waving my fist at him, "Tell me where she lives."

_I had had a few near misses myself. I will always remember when the Jeep exploded. There were two of us, going to get medical supplies. Someone threw a flaming torch at us and it caught the petrol tank._

_Luckily, Debbie and I had managed to jump out of the way, just before it caught. The Jeep went spinning off the road, and then it exploded. I was still mid air, and the heat from the explosion seemed to push me further. I rolled along in the dirt, trying to remember the "proper way to fall" from Judo classes._

_After a little while, after I was sure I hadn't broken anything, I got up. There was no sign of anyone or anything, just desert for miles around, and the flaming remains of a Jeep. I walked towards it, trying to find Debbie. She was unconscious, close to the Jeep I dragged her away from the flames then tried to check her over. But considering I didn't even have a stethoscope, that was pretty hard. The only thing I could really tell was that she was still alive. Apart from that I just didn't know._

_I didn't know where I should go either. Anyway could lead to danger, and I didn't know which way had the possibility of safety. There was absolutely nothing to go by, I didn't know where the nearest hospital was, or if it would be quicker to take her back to the camp. _

_I picked her up, and started walking along the road. I knew that staying put wouldn't work, she might need help now. And it would be hours before anyone realised we could be in trouble._

_I walked for miles, further than I'd ever walked. I had no water, and all I could feel was the heat beating down on me. I felt crushed, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't walk. Eventually my legs just gave out, and I fell to the ground, dropping Debbie before me. We were still on the road, that's all I knew, before blackness took my vision._

"You're going to go away, find yourself with some... Zen or something, and then you're going to come back. You're going to come back and I'll be waiting for you."

_I dreamt of Neela. I dreamt she was there with me. I dreamt of her kiss, her touch, so cool and calm. I looked into her eyes, as warm as chocolate, and she smiled. _

_Then I saw another pair of brown eyes. I didn't like him. I felt I could hate him, given the chance. He'd had her, and now he wanted me? He looked at me in disdain and shook his head._

"_You never were good enough for her."_

"_Shut up, Gallant, shut up! You died, you left her."_

"_You left her too."_

"_I'm going to go back, she's waiting for me!"_

"_She was waiting for me, once."_

_We were walking through fields, green fields with long grass. My hand trailed absently against the stalks of corn. _

"_Go back to her Barnett, if you can."_

_I woke then, in a hospital bed. Carter was sitting next to me, sleeping. _

"_Hey Carter," I croaked. He sat up, awake, with a start._

"_Ray, you're awake." He smiled. "That's good. I don't think I could have taken Abby and Neela if you hadn't woke up."_

"_Was it... that serious?"_

"_No, it was heat exhaustion, but you wouldn't wake up. Even Debbie is awake. No one could understand it."_

_After that he'd sent me home. He said I'd been out here long enough, I had things I needed to get back to. Debbie came with me, she wanted to go home for a while as well. Though she was planning on going back out there, I wasn't. I wanted to get back to my real life. I'd put it on hold for too long._

"Abby?" I slurred into the phone.

"This is Luka." The Croatian accent was obviously a little peeved at being woken up in the middle of the night.

"Hey! It's Ray Barnett. I was just wondering if you could tell me where Neela is living right now?"

"Ray? When did you get back?"

"Just this evening. And then my buddy Brett took me out, but he won't tell me where Neela lives, because he says she'll be angry. But I know Neela wouldn't be angry with me, because, shall I tell you a secret? Neela loves me."

"Ray... it's been two years since you saw her, do you really think it would be best to see her again after all this time when you're drunk?"

"Luka, tell me where she lives."

He sighed, and I heard someone speaking in the background. Then Abby came on the line. "Ray, Neela's still living at my old apartment, but if you go round there -it's your funeral."

"Thank you Abby."

I hung up the pay phone and made my way to the nearest El station. Real life was calling to me.

**A/N Dun dun dun! Hope you liked this chapter, next one will be up soon!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

I staggered along the hallway. I was ready. I was ready to see her, the love of my life, the woman I could never forget. I was ever so slightly drunk, but I was ready.

I knocked on the door, though it seemed more like banging as my hand seemed a little heavier than usual. After a while I called out "Neela!" I heard movement in the apartment then the door creaked open, still on the chain.

She peered out, with her lovely brown eyes staring at me, taking me in. I wondered what she would see. Some tall, scruffy looking guy, with dark hair that was a little longer than when she'd seen it last. Oh and I was swaying slightly.

"Ray?" she asked cautiously, "Is that... you?"

"Hey Roomie," I said with a goofie smile.

"God, are you drunk?"

"Brett took me out when I landed and it seems I can not hold my drink as well as I once could."

"Jeez, stop shouting, come in then. What time is it anyway?" She opened the door and ushered me in. I walked in and collapsed on the couch, my face pressed into the cushions.

"I don't know," I mumbled, "I just wanted to see you."

"Thanks... I guess."

"I love you Neela, you're the reason I came back from Africa."

"Sure, Africa. I'm sure you had a great time, now you just sleep it off. I'm going back to bed. I'll talk to you in the morning... or the afternoon as the case may be."

I nodded and felt her putting a blanket over me. I reached out and pulled her closer to me. "Stay with me Neela, I wasted too much time already."

"Look," she whispered, "I know you're probably not going to remember this, so I don't have to worry about hurting your feelings. Ray, you stink, there is no way I can stay next to you, I'm sorry. I'll talk to you in the morning, alright?"

"The morning," I mumbled, before drifting asleep.

I woke up in the only state that could be expected. My eyes were crusty, my throat was croaky and my head felt like someone had slammed a tree trunk into it. I sat up and peeled open my eyes. Much to my dismay I was in Abby's, which meant the scene with Neela had happened. I could hear movement in the kitchen, so I made my way in there, and poked my head around the door. Neela was washing up. I cleared my throat and she turned round. She folded her arms, rubber gloves and all, and looked me up and down.

"Don't look at me," I pleaded.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a mess."

"I never knew you were so fussy about your appearance, Barnett."

I whimpered, "Please can I have a shower."

"Um... I'm not sure," she said with a wicked smile on her face.

"Please, Neela, I'll do anything for you... please?"

"Go right ahead."

In the shower I thought about my last day in Africa, it was better than thinking about what was still to come today. Carter had taken me and Debbie to the airport.

"_You have fun back home, both of you."_

"_We will," she assured him, "And I'll see you soon John."_

"_Bye," he said, hugging her tightly. "Ray." He turned to me, "It's been a pleasure working with you over these last months, you're a great doctor, don't ever forget that." He hugged me, then added "Give everyone my regards at County, and here." He handed me an envelope. "This is for Kerry, she'll give you a job, you have good recommendation's."_

"_Thanks Carter, I mean John."_

"_Carter's fine, I'm used to it. Look, County was once my home, but it isn't any more. But for you, I think it still is. Make sure you get back there. Oh and," he gave me a knowing smile, "Say hi to Neela for me."_

_As we walked towards the plane Debbie nudged me, "So, who's Neela?"_

I went out of the bathroom in only a towel. I felt slightly self concious but there was no way I was putting those clothes back on. Short of burning them, there was nothing much I wanted to do with them.

"Um, Neela, I didn't happen to come with a bag last night, did I?"

Her eyes travelled up and down my body, widened in surprise. Her mouth formed a little "O" but she didn't speak.

"Neela?"

"N-no, but I found that in the hall. I kind of assumed it was yours." She pointed to a bag in the corner of the room. It was mine.

"Oh good, thanks. Um, where can I..."

"My room's just in there," she said, her voice squeaking a little.

I turned away from her with a smile. See, I knew I freshened up good.

She was sitting on the couch when I came out, dressed. I sat next to her and gave a small smile. "Hey."

"Hi... were you really in Africa?"

"Yeah... Darfur with Dr Carter."

"Oh." Her fingers were tapping nervously on her knee. "I see."

"Neela, I went to... God... I don't know what to say to you."

"No, it's been a long time I guess."

I gave a chuckle. "That's not it, I never knew what to say to you. Are you mad at me?"

"Why would I be mad at you?" she asked, her voice showing that she probably was.

"Because I disappeared for two years? Maybe..."

"No, I'm not mad."

"Oh, well that's a shame." I sighed.

She turned to look at me, "That's a shame?"

"Mmm, if you were mad it would show you still cared about me."

"I... do still care about you," she said quietly.

"Obviously not enough, if you're not mad at me," I said, a small smile forming on my face. I could see her frowning, trying not shout at me, but I was being deliberately antagonising.

"Fine Ray, I am mad at you!" she snapped.

"Oh that's good, then I can make it up to you."

"Make it up to me how?" She raised her eyebrows. "How are you going to make up two years of you not being here, no letters no phone calls. For all I knew you could have been dead," her voice cracked, "and then, and then you turn up here drunk and I..."

"I'm sorry Neela, I'm sorry for everything."

"That's not going to cut it Ray."

I moved closer to her, so our sides were touching. "You said you would wait for me... do you remember?"

"I remember. But what if you took too long."

"If I took too long, then I'm sorry... But I would like to just... no, I took too long."

"What would you like to just?" she asked, not looking at me.

I slowly turned her face towards me, "I'd like to just..." I leaned towards her, looking into her perfect brown eyes. "I'd like to just..." I felt a little breathless. Then my mouth touched hers and everything clicked into place. For that moment everything was right, the past hadn't happened and the future was all ours. That moment was perfection.

"Ray..." she whispered as she pulled away from me. "I missed you."

"I missed you too. Now, I think I've got some making up to do... any ideas about how?"

She shook her head with a smile, "No, I can't think of anything at all."

"Do you know, I think I might have _some _ideas. Though, they need your co-operation, do you think you can manage that?"

"I don't know, two years is a long time... that's a lot of making up to do."

"Well, I'm free for... forever."

"Gee, you know what?" she said with a wide smile, "Me too. Except I've got a little job to do but you know that can wait."

"Oh good. Hey, do you think you could put in a good word for me?"

"Sure," she smiled again. "It's great to have you back... I can't believe you were in Darfur."

I looked at her, "I can't believe that either, right now." I captured her lips in a kiss, "I love you, I've loved you forever, I've roamed the world and all I can think about is you."

"Yeah, well, I've hated you," she said, before kissing me back.

"If this is hate, I'd like to see what it's like to be loved by you." I trailed my hand up and down her side.

"Mmm, well, you've got making up to do before _that _would ever happen."

"I don't think I mind too much."

"Me either." Then she added, "Hey, so you found your Zen then?"

"Yeah, Carter's been like my Zen master."

"Oh good."

I pulled back and grinned at her, we were now lying on the couch, "Are my eyes shining?"

"What?"

"You told me not to come back until my eyes were shining again."

"Oh yeah, they're shiny."

"Good, wouldn't want to disappoint," I said, giving a wolfish grin.

"I'm sure you won't."

**A/N Don't shoot. Don't shoot! I'm afriad that the story is pretty much over, apart form a very very short epilogue. However...**

**I have decided, because of many persuasive reviews, pm's and IM conversations (you know who you all are) that maybe I should just take a break from FF, rather than quite completely. I think I was taking it all to seriously, the important thing is; I LIKE writing fanfic, so it would be silly not to! Also, I really DON'T like this story, and I don't want to go out on a bad note! **

**So, sorry to all those who thought they were getting rid of me, blame those people complimenting me. As I always say, the way to a girl's heart is to compliment her writing skills.**

**As Arnie says; "I'll be back"**

**hehehehe,**

**Love you's,**

**Moonlight x**


	4. Epilogue

**A/N Here's a little short, but hopefully sweet epilogue. The centred italics are quoted from "Perfect" Hope to see you all again soon! lol**

Epilogue

You'd be surprised what it takes to get your happily ever after. It's never going to be a sure thing, but that takes a while to realise. Sometimes you have to just forget about the future and just go for the present. What makes you happy one year might not make you happy the next.

I entered County on my first day a rocker, someone doing this "doctor thing" as a day job. I never once thought how much that one place would change my life. I never thought I'd meet my "true love" there. I never even believed in all that.

It was a bumpy ride, to say the least, for Neela and I. We spent a lot of time wasting time, humming and hawing. But once we finally got our acts together it was wondrous.

I've finally got my happy ending.

And it's all about her, the one person who has changed my life, the person who brought me home. She's perfection to me, no-one even compares. My one and only Roomie. My Neela.

_I will always love you, Neela, you're my first love and you can't forget your first love._


End file.
